Going to school is like waging a war – against the students, the facilities, the other staff members, yourself…  I guess it’s not as dramatic as all that.  It’s just that I wasn’t expecting school to be such a battleground, and I sort of walked into it unprepared.

 

I had the opportunity to visit a math classroom of a first-year teacher, and I was truly amazed that she was still smiling and so sweet to me after the period ended.  I asked her, flat out, “How do you do it?”  From the moment I walked into the room, the kids were behaving…wildly.  They were chatting, laughing, and totally disrespecting the teacher while she was lecturing.  It blew my mind – I don’t think I had ever experienced that sort of chaos before.  First of all, how rude!  The room was abuzz with noise, and maybe two students out of a full classroom were attempting to pay attention.  After soaking in the scene, I felt myself getting upset – and I wasn’t even the teacher.  This made me step back and objectively what was in front of me.  I felt so sad for the teacher – did the kids even know how nice she was and how hard she was trying to make math understandable?  I couldn’t focus on what the kids should’ve been learning because of the shocking distractions.  But I started walking around in this “teacher tread” I’ve developed over the past few days, trying to help students.  Some would completely ignore me when I asked them a question (they avoided eye contact all together), and it was really frustrating.  But I felt enormously relieved when some kids got over it and asked for help.  I loved it when I would explain something and they understood (as far as I know, anyway.  I think effective assessments that check for application of knowledge are really important.)  I think the fact that I was pretty much a stranger and a new face was also on my side – they didn’t know what to expect from me.  Would I be a disciplinarian?  Would I be a pushover?

 

 

I kept thinking, “How would I do this differently?  What would I do to counter such a situation?  If it were me, I’d…”  It was almost an unconscious process.  I formulated my own list of expectations, were I to actually be “Miss Kim,” in my head.  Of course, I imagined a completely hypothetical scene, and it was kind of scary that I’d immediately jumped to this in my mind (formed a mini monologue, even, of what I’d say to my class on the first day of school.)  From what I’ve seen, I would ultimately want to gain the kids’ trust and respect to make them the best students and the best people possible.  I learned from my observations that weak or wishy-washy language could be detrimental – the strength of the presentation, and conviction of the teacher really, really matters.  It’s crucial to be firm but fair, mandate respect, and have high expectations – and to build up confidence in the kids so they have high expectations of themselves.  I’d want to let my students know that I was on their side, and that they should take an active role in their learning – it’s their own education, so they should do something about it.  And perhaps the most important thing of all would be to let the kids know that I would not give up on them, no matter what – this, hopefully, would be understood by them.  I think, though, all teachers have this underlying goal.  Why is this so hard to get across?  Why do so many kids think teachers are their enemies?  And yet, I did help a few kids and they seemed to understand afterwards that I wasn’t out to get them – that was shining moment of my day.  I wonder what you do when kids don’t respond to you or look you in the eye at all?  And how can you measure progress or learning or retention (besides in the form of exams?)

 

 

There seem to be so many complex Issues with teacher quality (intelligence), creativity, will, motivation, etc.  If students can have a good, experienced, energetic teacher, they will really do well.  But resource-poor places don’t attract good teachers.  I can see some weaknesses of the teachers here (and I’m sure it doesn’t happen just here) and it really bugs me.  They’re doing the best they can, though – but it doesn’t make it any less irritating.

 

 

I felt almost guilty when I formulated these ideas, seeing and feeling that some teachers could be doing a better job.  But my thoughts were purely theoretical, and in practice, I realize how tired and frustrated teachers must be.  In addition, how can the administration make the staff accountable (i.e., hand out punishments for doing a bad job?) when resources are so limited – how can you improve and weed out teachers when there aren’t enough of them to go around in the first place?

 

 

Also, what can we do to make the kids care and motivate them to learn (especially when college isn’t the end all and be all of life to them, though it is so often drilled into other students?)  Would paying them, like in other NCLB districts, work here?  In this district, many tiers of classes exist within the structure, making the school seem more tailored to the students’ needs than what I’m used to seeing…but then again, maybe it’s because I was completely oblivious to so many things that went on even in my own, relatively tame high school in middle to upper-class suburbia.

 

I visited the same math class again, the next day.  That time, I was a bit more mentally prepared for what to expect.  Truth be told, it wasn’t much better than the first day, but the kids were a bit less timid in asking for help, and I was glad I could give it.  I still wish they would be more respectful, though.  How are you going to learn if you’re talking through a lecture?  (Wow, how teacher-ly do I sound now?)

In another classroom, I was taken aback by the attitude of the sixth grade girls.  What makes them tick like that?  What makes them that defiant and angry?  Do they need love and caring and attention?  Or are they just in their rebellious stage of life?  Maybe some kids are bored because they’re not being challenged enough – hence, the attitude?

After talking to a few people, it sounds like the behaviors stem from a number of intertwined factors (as always.)  Some of them include an unstable family life, emotional issues derived from instability and neglect, learning disabilities, and also, I think it’s just the age.  Middle schoolers are experiencing puberty, awkwardness, changing bodies and minds, confusion…to be blunt, no wonder they’re weird and emo!  They need to build up confidence.

 

When I was chatting with another, non-TfA teacher at the copy machine, he said something along the lines of, “Kids can be bottomless pits of need, which make the pros and cons of teaching.”  I found that to be very true.  As a teacher, you can not only provide knowledge, but also advice, a listening ear (for the various issues that usually prompt the behavior issues in class,) a friendly, stable adult presence, a shoulder to lean on…and Lord only knows these students need it.  But in order for the students to trust you and respect you and talk to you, a lot needs to be established.

 

 

I think it’s really unfortunate that the kids don’t seem to understand that we, the old and mean and scary teachers, were once in their place!  I remember writing in one of my many abandoned journals from elementary or middle school that I vowed to never forget how I was at that age when I “grew up.”  I can’t believe I still remember that, but I’m glad I do – it really tells me that perspectives change so much over time, and it’s crucial to be able to relate to your students.  It’s also nice to be young enough to remember being a student.  Actually, what am I talking about?  I still am a student!  It’s great to be able to mentally point out common teacher mistakes I still experience, and try to fix them in myself and my approach.  And I wonder how heritable teaching personality is – I recently talked to my mom and dad, who were both teachers for short periods of time, and it was nice to tell them my thoughts and have them understand exactly what I was going through – it seems some problems are universal and transcend time and space.

 

 

Just a note, I’ve been taking notes for myself every day throughout this experience – but haven’t been quite able to sync up my daily thoughts with the blog content.  So all of the above happened roughly one week ago.  I’ll catch up this week, though.  =)

 

sk

PS. And happy Inauguration Day!  Hope you all got a chance to watch the ceremonies and festivities.